Monthly Archives: March 2014

Hierba verde o hierba muerta?

Some points to consider that weren’t added into yesterday’s post:
**We went on two family vacations in 15 years (and they were with my family)…never anything with just him the kids and I unless you count visiting his family (which I don’t).  **He and I took our first ever vacation together in 2011…to Vegas.  It was company trip for him…they paid for spouses too up to a certain amount. He abandoned me for 36 hours in Vegas…he went to his mandatory work day which was training then never came back…never answered my texts or calls. I found out way after the fact by a wife I know that there was a dinner for employees and whoever they brought along and he went without me. He just said he was hanging out with his friends.  We actually spent most of the time there with his friend who I’ll call Peppa. **I went to visit my friend Melinda for a weekend and came home and he bought a new car.  He didn’t even ask me.  **He has no concept of money.  I found out within the past year that he had a credit card with a $12,000 balance on it (this comes into play somewhere in the story below) and got a consolidation loan for it and made him give me all the cards.  He spent $750 on framing for a car poster for his office.  Yes…you read that right…just to pay for framing. **He will stay out all night and not let you know.  Just because you give someone permission to do something once, doesn’t mean it’s blanket permission…but he thinks it is.  Case in point…he went out one time to celebrate someone’s going away and he texts you a lot of the night.  Finally sends you a text at 11pm saying he has to take “Grizzly” home cause he’s too drunk to drive.  You told him to stay with Grizzly who you know, because you’d rather he not drive home at midnight which would be the time he’d get on the road after taking Grizzly home.  He might be over the limit and it’s not worth a DUI.  But then another day you get a text at 5pm saying “I’m going out with the guys after work for a couple of drinks.”  Knowing that work is 2 hours away, you text back “OK…but please don’t be too late…youngest (who is autistic) is flipping out because he can’t stay at Nana’s and I really need to get this school stuff done in case this weather hits.”  You near nothing else from him, but he strolls in at 10:15 am the next day and doesn’t say a word.  You don’t say anything either cause you’re not in the mood to argue. **We were watching a TV show and I said you know all my stories…he said I sure do…I said I hardly know any of yours…he said that’s because they’re my stories and not yours.  I said married people should know stuff like that about each other…especially after being together 15 years and married for 14. He said they’re just not yours to know. **One time he called me damaged goods…we were waiting to go see the movie Ted on opening night outside the theater and he said in front of a bunch of people quite loud you’re just damaged goods  **There are other examples like that…but you get my drift. (I promise…I don’t hold grudges…I just remember everything…about everything).

So where was I…oh yeah…agreed to see other people. I didn’t see other people…honestly.  I was free to hang out with my friends without question and some of them are guys…but it was never in a romantic or sexual way.  I stopped the emotional affairs.  I kind of cut myself off from all of that. I dated plenty of guys in my lifetime…and yes…I did actually have meaningless sex with some of them in between husbands.  I kind of knew what I wanted to happen…I just wanted him to appreciate me more. I figured that he would go out there and see what the world was like and come back to us.  It was a little more complicated than that.  Unbeknownst to me…he was all into it.  He made himself a plenty of fish page (which as of the last time I saw his phone unlocked it still was on there…it’s password protected and he changed the password after figuring out I knew it – mine is too but that’s because youngest erased it…his didn’t used to be until we did this separation thing….but he knows my password and so does everyone else…I don’t know his). A friend of mine who is deep into the online dating world actually found it and sent it to me via email with the subject isn’t this your husband.  I do give him credit…he at least had married on the profile.

So this is where it gets interesting.  I don’t know everything…but this went on for over a year…and he and I kept hanging out during the time too…like kind of go on dates (like the movie Ted mentioned **above was during this time…my heart was kind of broke).  Per my mother in law…he met one girl he really liked…they hung out for some time but she had an issue with him being married.  If she didn’t have an issue he probably would’ve left me for her (no one said that…I speculate).  He met some other girl…she was married too…I’ll call her Kat.  Her and her husband were both in the military and her husband was deployed.  So she and Mr. SN hooked up for over a year.  Mr. SN used up all his sick and vacation days to do fun stuff with the girl.  They went to zoos, concerts, baseball games, he hung out with her friends (he’s barely met mine)…things he should’ve been doing with the kids and I.  He stayed at her house until the husband came back.  The husband found out and sent me a message on Facebook basically threatening my family and husband…said it wasn’t Kat’s first time cheating on him…my husband was her 6th.  Mr. SN unmarried me on there so Kat’s husband wouldn’t bother me (he became friends with Kat on FB)…the guy kept calling Mr. SN in the middle of the night. It was madness. But they still saw each other.  Mr. SN started paying for hotels not using our bank account but his credit card (hence the **$12,000 in debt above…well that and paying for dates, trips, gifts and everything else).  I know that she made cake pops in addition to her stint in the Air Force so she’d send home cake pops to my kids and I’d flip out on him for it.  Ummm…she gave Mr. SN scabies. Haha.  That was a debacle because we all had to be treated for scabies. Do you know what it’s like to slather an autistic 5 year old with cream everywhere including in his nostrils and inside his ears…not fun.  I laughed inside at Mr. SN’s pain and suffering from the scabies…served him right to mess with a whore…but I really just wanted to cry.  I remember when I found out…I was at a birthday party at my brother’s house for my niece with my family…Mr. SN went to the walk-in clinic.  He sent me a text that said he had scabies…I told my family…they were like eww that’s so nasty blah blah.  The rest of my day sucked.

I finally figured out his phone password and got to read all the text messages and stuff from them.  That’s how I know he used his vacation and sick days to do all those cool things, where they were going, how he paid for everything.  I know what she looks like in various states of undress and without clothes. I also know she was obsessed with me, that when he and I went to see Daniel Tosh in Syracuse, she was upset that I tagged him in pictures cause she thought I was so pretty and she’d never measure up.  Every other text was about me.  What was I doing?  He, of course, would badmouth me and say that I was a bitch or that I was lazy.  That he had to do everything around here. She would say yeah I know you do. But regardless…she was always obsessed with me.  I did save texts from them in case I needed to show a lawyer (though it’s illegal…I guess)…but I don’t know where they’re at.  There were some texts from other women in there that it looks like he just had sex with once or twice and nothing more. This girl he had a relationship with in her eyes at least.  To him…she was just “a piece of ass and something to do.”  I do know that he went on his last six month trip and several days before that he was with her…the kids and I took him to the airport…I was sad to see him go…but it wasn’t the same sadness as the time before that.  We didn’t figure everything out yet…we were still seeing what was up.  He came home for his quick break halfway through and he basically was like I don’t see her anymore, I don’t talk to her, text her, anything.  “I want to work it out with you.”  He said that she asked him the day he went to say goodbye to leave me. That she was leaving her husband so they could be together. He said he told her he was never going to leave me.  He just needed something to force him to figure things out and that was it. So a little over two years from the day I proposed the separation he decided that he wanted to work on our relationship.  I wasn’t ecstatic, but I was ready.  I think the fact that I was nosy made the hurt that much more…but I really did need to know because I know he wouldn’t have told me.

Is it better?  Well…the money thing I just reigned in and am still working on.  The staying out all night thing and not calling or sending a text then coming home at 10:15am just happened last weekend.  I still don’t know where he was at.  I hope he was with Peppa. That’s who he was going out with and I’d imagine that’s whose house he stayed over at.  If I stayed out overnight he’d accuse me of cheating on him the second I walked in the door…that would never fly.  Do I think he’s cheating on me?  No. I just think he’s falling back into some old habits and needs to be whipped back in line.  The ** above about his stories just happened last night when we were watching “How I Met Your Mother.”  I think he fails to realize that marriage is about sharing piddly stuff. He has been doing more around the house, though not a lot more. I don’t expect a lot more…but I think he sees now that I have a lot going on.  I actually made a calendar to map out my day by the minute that hangs on the fridge. I think that made him realize how busy I truly am.  I blog during my “relax time” and then set it to publish later.  If he’s not doing things, I do give him gentle nudges like “hey…it would be great if you would throw a load of laundry in.”  Now that oldest is playing tennis and needs picked up every day at 5 and youngest will be starting baseball in a few weeks, I will be even more busy.  I attached my calendar for the week for you so you can see that, while I do have some things that I could get rid of, there are things that are good for my mental, physical, and emotional well-being.  Cal2

So why he’s questioned what I do all the time, until I gave him the above printout (he saw it firsthand yesterday when he was off because his work was closed), I’ve watched him work as he works from home here and there and soon with some more regularity. He complains that the kids distract him when he works from home or that he’s missing his dual monitors (one which is 32 inches) and can’t get much done. I call bullshit.  Youngest comes and hugs him once and leaves…oldest doesn’t bother and a monitor won’t make a difference for one day and if it does, hook it up to the TV in the bedroom (which would be a quiet work spot).  I usually work on school cause it’s a snow day.  He works about 3 hours then he’s done by his own choice because “there’s no other work to do.”  He picks up the remote or the X-Box One controller and that’s what he does the rest of the day.  That leads me to believe that’s how much time he spends working when he’s at work.  That the rest of the time is spent talking to Peppa or other people, playing on the Internet, taking lunch, or in the bathroom.  Unless there are meetings or calls I can’t see how he spends more time than that.  He can do his job from almost anywhere…and he claims to be busy but busy doesn’t equate to 3 hours of work…ya dig?  He says that he doesn’t spend more than 8 hours a day there for his health. I said you have to be there that long and I know you stay later to avoid the traffic.  Needless to say he got mad at me and gave me the silent treatment for a little while…but I call it like I see it.  I’ve been in a class where we took a whole four-hour time allotted for the class and spent it working on a single Calculus proof.  That’s more time than he has spent working every day he’s been home and it’s just math. Not that I’m faulting him, but I do wish he’d take responsibility for himself as opposed to trying to place blame on others.  That’s my one chief beef with him.

I do love him…and I love him for what he is and isn’t.  I know I can’t change him completely…I can change some parts of him…but as a whole I do think he’s a pretty stellar person. I won’t make idle threats I’m not willing to keep to get him to do things…but I’m not afraid to argue with him anymore…I just pick and choose my battles.  I’m not afraid to put my foot down. I just know when is and isn’t the right time.  I will fight for what I want…but not the cost of my own happiness or that of my kids.  So for now esta hierba verde. I promise you that I’m going to keep assessing the situation just to make sure this is where I want to be.  There are times still where I feel like I’ve kind of evolved if that makes sense…and he’s stayed pretty stagnant. He’s the same person I met 15 years ago and the same person I married almost that long ago…which is a good thing in some ways…but in others not.  I’m not saying he’s exactly the same…but we do talk about how funny it is that he is the same…and he acknowledges it. I’m the same in some ways…but in others I’m not. I’ve grown up and have evolved as a person emotionally, mentally, and physically.  He acknowledges that I’ve changed but he feels it’s for the better.  I feel that a person has to evolve in order for them to grow. I know women mature faster than men do emotionally…and hopefully at some point I stop and Mr. SN catches up…if not I have to just love an accept him as he is…but make sure that we each wear a leg of the pants in the family.  I feel like I fought so long and hard to take my power back in my life in general that I refuse to be powerless anymore in this marriage, which was something the last several years have taught me.  I know that it’s a give and take and I don’t want to end up like my parents who are unhappily married or end up a statistic…a twice-divorced woman.

I’m sure there’s more to this I missed…if it’s anything scintillating I’ll make up another little post.
❤ SN


What Does Marriage Have To Do With It?

I told you readers a while ago…okay…maybe it was 2 or 3 blogs ago…that I would talk about my roller coaster marriage to Mr. SN.  I think now’s as good of a time as any.  We’ve been together for 15 years.  I was 20 and he was 22 when we got married…definitely not an ideal situation considering I was already married (and quickly divorced once before).  Though I think I explained it before…we just kind of decided to get married…and did so in a flower shop in a strip mall in Aiken, SC by a Notary Public of the Gospel.  We didn’t say vows or exchange rings.  We just signed papers.  We went to TGI Fridays or Ruby Tuesday and then bowling for our honeymoon.

Let me preface this next part by saying that I love Mr. SN…but what were we thinking?!?  Our marriage has been up and down since the beginning.  We literally have had fist fights…we have beaten each other up…this was early on in our marriage…and never ever in front of oldest (he will have his own moniker soon enough…he has a story).  We grew out of that phase.  Honestly…there were so many years of this marriage where we were just on autopilot.  Because of my past sexual abuse (again…another story…probably a series of them)…sex really has never been my thing, but we do have sex and I’m learning to enjoy it.  On top of that…I have had a series of shitty relationships not just with men…but with people in general.  My people picker has evolved some…but I still pick a bad apple here and there (or maybe I’m the one that’s the bad apple…that’s something I need to assess).  Though I consider myself very far on the path to whole…I still am a work in progress when it comes to some things…and may always be. When I met my husband…you could probably say that I was looking for some type of normalcy in my life.  I’m sure most people will say that they never considered their lives to be normal…I actually embrace the abnormal in most things…but for a home life…I want semi-normal.  I wanted oldest to have that…and I want the same for youngest (again…he’ll get his own moniker too).  The inception and initial years of our marriage were very nontraditional.

We got out of the Army and relocated here in the Great Northeast.  He got a job working about two hours away. Minus one job that he had for about a year or so, he’s worked about two hours away since we moved here in 2001.  He just wasn’t present, plus the job he had before the one he has now had him traveling for six months at a time.  It got to the point where he was a stranger to us all.  I took on the role of superwoman.  I did everything and it became expected of me to do everything.  I took care of the house, the bills, the kids, the appointments, the running, cooking, shopping (even for clothes for Mr. SN) cleaning, plus I worked full time and went to school full time.  All he did was wake up, commute to work, work, commute home, eat, watch TV, go to bed, repeat.  On weekends he would sit and watch TV or play video games. We rarely did anything as a couple or as a family.  If we did something as a couple, it was with all of my brothers, nephews, cousins and their girlfriends/wives.  If we did something as a family, it involved all of my family.  He lived the life of a single man…he came and went as he pleased…he was always going to concerts, staying down in MD for drinks with his friends, things like that.  I rarely had chances to go out with my friends unless my parents would keep the kids.

I never felt appreciated but I never said anything.  Probably the most I’ve done was dropped hints though I’ve never been one to not say anything…though I actually am very much one to keep the peace.  If I did get appreciation, it was from someone else…which I will talk about here in a second. It got to the point where I just became exhausted with all that I was doing, with him, with myself, with our kids, with life, with everything.  Though I never had any type of physical relationship with anyone else because like I said earlier the sex thing is still somewhat an impediment for me and it’s something I can’t just go and do…I did find myself during these years having emotional affairs with other men…they weren’t even in person…they were online with people I knew.  It was more of an ego stroke than anything…something that validated what I already knew about myself but that I let get taken from me.  Mr. SN knows about them…I showed him.  He didn’t consider them affairs because there wasn’t ever anything romantic or sexual discussed…it was more me venting and them making me feel better and vice versa.

So anyway…I ended up having back-to-back-to-back-to-back surgeries and got put on disability through work.  That was the best thing to ever happen to me, honestly. I got to rest and recover and come up with a plan. I got to go back to counseling during that time and figured out some things, including what I was going to do.  That’s when I decided that a break would be the best thing for us. I wrote him a letter because it wasn’t something that I wanted to say out loud.  It basically said that I wanted a break.  That I loved him, but I didn’t like where the marriage was heading. I didn’t like being taken for granted even though I basically gave him permission to do it because I didn’t put my foot down.  That I wanted him to grow up and be more responsible and be a husband and dad otherwise I would be more than happy to leave. We talked and we agreed to take a break…to stay married but to see other people…to see if what we thought we had with each other was a fluke or if the grass was greener on the other side.  I was prepared for the outcome whether it was to stay together and work on it or to leave with the kids.

So did we ultimately decide that our marriage was a fluke or is the grass greener on the other side????  You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see.

Sorry this is so long… ❤ SN