Tag Archives: honesty

What Does Marriage Have To Do With It?

I told you readers a while ago…okay…maybe it was 2 or 3 blogs ago…that I would talk about my roller coaster marriage to Mr. SN.  I think now’s as good of a time as any.  We’ve been together for 15 years.  I was 20 and he was 22 when we got married…definitely not an ideal situation considering I was already married (and quickly divorced once before).  Though I think I explained it before…we just kind of decided to get married…and did so in a flower shop in a strip mall in Aiken, SC by a Notary Public of the Gospel.  We didn’t say vows or exchange rings.  We just signed papers.  We went to TGI Fridays or Ruby Tuesday and then bowling for our honeymoon.

Let me preface this next part by saying that I love Mr. SN…but what were we thinking?!?  Our marriage has been up and down since the beginning.  We literally have had fist fights…we have beaten each other up…this was early on in our marriage…and never ever in front of oldest (he will have his own moniker soon enough…he has a story).  We grew out of that phase.  Honestly…there were so many years of this marriage where we were just on autopilot.  Because of my past sexual abuse (again…another story…probably a series of them)…sex really has never been my thing, but we do have sex and I’m learning to enjoy it.  On top of that…I have had a series of shitty relationships not just with men…but with people in general.  My people picker has evolved some…but I still pick a bad apple here and there (or maybe I’m the one that’s the bad apple…that’s something I need to assess).  Though I consider myself very far on the path to whole…I still am a work in progress when it comes to some things…and may always be. When I met my husband…you could probably say that I was looking for some type of normalcy in my life.  I’m sure most people will say that they never considered their lives to be normal…I actually embrace the abnormal in most things…but for a home life…I want semi-normal.  I wanted oldest to have that…and I want the same for youngest (again…he’ll get his own moniker too).  The inception and initial years of our marriage were very nontraditional.

We got out of the Army and relocated here in the Great Northeast.  He got a job working about two hours away. Minus one job that he had for about a year or so, he’s worked about two hours away since we moved here in 2001.  He just wasn’t present, plus the job he had before the one he has now had him traveling for six months at a time.  It got to the point where he was a stranger to us all.  I took on the role of superwoman.  I did everything and it became expected of me to do everything.  I took care of the house, the bills, the kids, the appointments, the running, cooking, shopping (even for clothes for Mr. SN) cleaning, plus I worked full time and went to school full time.  All he did was wake up, commute to work, work, commute home, eat, watch TV, go to bed, repeat.  On weekends he would sit and watch TV or play video games. We rarely did anything as a couple or as a family.  If we did something as a couple, it was with all of my brothers, nephews, cousins and their girlfriends/wives.  If we did something as a family, it involved all of my family.  He lived the life of a single man…he came and went as he pleased…he was always going to concerts, staying down in MD for drinks with his friends, things like that.  I rarely had chances to go out with my friends unless my parents would keep the kids.

I never felt appreciated but I never said anything.  Probably the most I’ve done was dropped hints though I’ve never been one to not say anything…though I actually am very much one to keep the peace.  If I did get appreciation, it was from someone else…which I will talk about here in a second. It got to the point where I just became exhausted with all that I was doing, with him, with myself, with our kids, with life, with everything.  Though I never had any type of physical relationship with anyone else because like I said earlier the sex thing is still somewhat an impediment for me and it’s something I can’t just go and do…I did find myself during these years having emotional affairs with other men…they weren’t even in person…they were online with people I knew.  It was more of an ego stroke than anything…something that validated what I already knew about myself but that I let get taken from me.  Mr. SN knows about them…I showed him.  He didn’t consider them affairs because there wasn’t ever anything romantic or sexual discussed…it was more me venting and them making me feel better and vice versa.

So anyway…I ended up having back-to-back-to-back-to-back surgeries and got put on disability through work.  That was the best thing to ever happen to me, honestly. I got to rest and recover and come up with a plan. I got to go back to counseling during that time and figured out some things, including what I was going to do.  That’s when I decided that a break would be the best thing for us. I wrote him a letter because it wasn’t something that I wanted to say out loud.  It basically said that I wanted a break.  That I loved him, but I didn’t like where the marriage was heading. I didn’t like being taken for granted even though I basically gave him permission to do it because I didn’t put my foot down.  That I wanted him to grow up and be more responsible and be a husband and dad otherwise I would be more than happy to leave. We talked and we agreed to take a break…to stay married but to see other people…to see if what we thought we had with each other was a fluke or if the grass was greener on the other side.  I was prepared for the outcome whether it was to stay together and work on it or to leave with the kids.

So did we ultimately decide that our marriage was a fluke or is the grass greener on the other side????  You’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see.

Sorry this is so long… ❤ SN

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